He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
