i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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