I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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