so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
