She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just invented taco cereal.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
