there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
