he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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