So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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