A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
