omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
