he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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