You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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