if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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