So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You're like the curious george of whores
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
