Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
