if you like me you must not know who I am
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
