I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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