it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
