Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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