the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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