we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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