i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
