so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
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