i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
