I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
