You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
