I'm so fucking centered right now
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
