nut hugger
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
