So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
