dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
