someone get that fucking seahorse.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
