dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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