You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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