Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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