There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
