she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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