Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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