My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
