i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
