Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
