All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I believe in your delicious
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
