good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
