Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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