My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
