..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
