I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
