Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
