TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
