shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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