my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
