She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
