You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
