I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
