Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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